i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
