I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
