Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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