I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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