i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
