Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
