so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
