and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
