fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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