I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
