If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
