I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
