Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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