I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
