What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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