after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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