Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
