i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
