I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
