I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
