her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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