dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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