I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
