now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
