We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
where are my eyebrows?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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