We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
