WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
