well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
kristin has been a bad kristin
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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