Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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