Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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