I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
