You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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