Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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