god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
