I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
