i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
