I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
