last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize