no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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