Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
