He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize