I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
