I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my sisters under your porch take her home
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
