I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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