I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
