Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
