I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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