So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
