Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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