he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize