why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
