advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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