he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
