need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize