i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
