Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
