I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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